Fear

Fear. To some people it is something that they only hear about on TV. and in books, or through other people who they consider to be so much less them themselves, weak people.
Fear. To others it is that thing that controls their every day life, it controls what they eat, where they go, what they do, who they are around, they can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function as they want to because everything revolves around one more thing that paralyzes them with so much fear.
Then there are others, who go through life with these tiny hidden little fears that they hope no one can see or can tell that they have, because what will they think of them then?
I have been all three, and now I find myself stuck in the in between place. Now I have some fears that we know are irrational, Ladybugs for example, weird, odd, and for some reason I just can’t stand them. I have been able to come to terms with some, I used to be terrified to drive the interstate, you could not get me on or near it, now I get angry when I have to take a back road. One day I just did it, I got on the on ramp and I made myself not look back. I was so proud of myself after that, not many other people got what the big deal was but I did J Then there is this fear that I keep hidden inside of me, most think it’s just a simple fear of the dark, but it is tied to so much more. I find myself making two steps forward three steps back, and have been for the past 3years. I gave up, it got to hard to fight by myself, to hard to face it everyday alone, I just got tired of fighting, so I layed down and let it win. I have been given every motivational speech in the world, I have had people who told me I can react however I want because it Is not my fault and have been great shoulders to cry on when I am upset. Then today I heard something that no one had ever said before…I don’t think you want to let go.
I was so angry I could have spit nails, (I never understood that saying, but I think it fits here) I wanted to reach through that phone and choke the life out of him, instead I burst in to tears. The conversation went back and forth for the next 20minutes and in the end we hung up with nothing resolved and me in hysterics. I sat there and just cried, I think I let out tears I have been holding in for years. Now I know in most stories you hear, “I felt so relieved, so refreshed,” well I sure didn’t, I felt just as crappy as I did before only now my face was wet and my nose was dripping and I was close to hyperventilating, it was not attractive and not at all refreshing…at first. Then I got dressed and listened to music, and I started my day, I went and saw him and I wanted to be angry and I wanted to be justified in it but something just kept feeling off. So I thought about it some more and then I called the one person who usually tells me it like it is, my mom. Then it all started to make sense, he wasn’t wrong, and that’s what made me more angry then anything.
I have been hanging on for so long, afraid of fully letting it go, and I have no idea why. I hate the way I feel most the time, I hate the flash backs, I hate the nightmares, I hate the constant fear, I hate the feeling like no one understands. But letting go means facing a lot of that fear, and that terrifies me, what if I am not strong enough? What if I can’t do it? Or what if I get hurt again? There are so many variables, and in the end it just doesn’t seem worth it. I know how I have lived for the past three years, it’s not fun, it’s not healthy, and it holds me back, but I KNOW it, I am used to it by now. I have no idea how it will be if I let go, and although it is obvious that it will be better, it is so scary, the unknown that is. I have been waiting for someone to ride in and rescue me from it all, to face all those fears for me, to tell me how it is all going to be, and how I am going to get past it all, who is going to just make it all go away. I need to be that person for myself.
So now comes that feeling, the refreshing, revived feeling, the I'm ready to take on the world feeling. The problem is, call me weak, call me less of a person, but i think it takes a strong person to admit they can't do it alone. I need help, I need to know that I am not doing this alone. Sometimes it means being brutally honest with me, and sometimes it means being compassionate and a shoulder to cry on.
Today I got what I needed, that slap accross the face to wake me up. To show me that it is time I take a stand for myself. It is time I show the strength that I know is down deep and I not be afraid of what comes after this, but rather be ready to take it on, head on.


Fear..it's always there...but it doesn't have to control you...and if you say you are that first person, the one that has no fear...the strong and independent nothing bothers you person..


I dont believe you, and I think you are probably more behind then I am because you still think your invincible :-) haha

Welcome To My Life...

We all know I love to talk, thats been apparent since birth, so it was only natural I would love to write too. This is a place where I can express what's on my mind, the good, bad, and the ugly. I promise not to mention names, so don't worry that if you have wronged me I will air all of your short comings here on the world wide web, I promise to use an alias :-) hehe

In all fairness though, I won't sensor myself. If you do not like what I have to say then that is your right and your opinion, I promise not to hurt others intentionally but I will say what is on my mind. As I said before I won't throw you or anyone under the bus, if you are so worried about this though then you better check yourself :-) haha I have a lot that is pent up inside of me, and there is not always a shining opportunity to get it all out so I figure at least this way I can get it out and if you want to hear then you can if not then you don't have to read it.

The perfect way to decide when you do and do not listen to me, many of you have been waiting for this invention since my birth, it's that mute button you all looked for :-)


So here we go...No turning back now...You wanted to get to know me a little better, in a real sort of way, well here it is.